The following was written by me last October after my stepfather passed away. I never posted it at the time because I didn't feel like sharing it. In reflection over the past year I decided now was a good time.
There are many things I want to say about the past couple weeks and it's difficult to know what to choose to write about. There are things that I'm feeling that I have not shared with anyone. Do I open up on the worldwide web and put it all here? I have learned about myself these past two weeks that I'm not as open a person as I thought I was. I have kept it all inside. Now, before you start worrying about me, don't. I am okay. As with any life changing event, like a death of a close family member, you tend to learn things. These things you learn can be good or bad. And the things you learn about yourself in the process are the most interesting.
I learned that I am okay with death when it is someone old. As in older than me. After having all my grandparents pass away and now my step father I can say this seems to be true. I shed many more tears over a young man in our ward who drowned in the ocean than I did over my own father's death. I barely knew this young man but I cried for weeks when it happened.
I learned that my spirit is stronger than I knew. The day after Ben died there were several times that I felt him near. I knew it but didn't say anything to my mom or Krista because I felt dumb. Felt dumb? There was no way to explain what I felt so I just didn't say anything. Plus, I didn't want to make my mom cry anymore than she already was. What I was feeling was confirmed to me that night as a good friend of my mom and Ben's said that as he neared our home he felt the spirit really strongly and knew that Ben was there. Two days after he died I had to leave and go home to Portland to get my family packed for the funeral. I felt sad, withdrawn and lonely and realized that my spirit was feeling a let down from not feeling the presence of other spirits so intently. It was an interesting experience.
I learned that I feel cheated. As I learned many different aspects of his life and saw the outpouring of love from ward members, co-workers, family and friends I felt like it wasn't fair. I saw my girls standing there at the funeral and knew that they had very few fun, positive memories of their grandpa Ben. The children in the ward loved him, he would give them candy every Sunday. They would sit on his knee and he would smile and talk with them. He didn't do that with my girls. But maybe I am the reason for that. And for that, I'm sorry. I may have changed the course of a relationship without even meaning to.
That is what I wrote a year ago.
As for now, life is good. Mom is doing well, she is happy and feeling fulfilled i believe. On Tuesday night I was laying in bed and someone whispered in my ear to go to Coos Bay. I believe it was Ben. I haven't felt his presence since I was in Ukraine and near his family. I went to Coos Bay and spent a couple of days with my mom.
It's nice to know he's still watching over her. I know she feels it as well. And I'm thankful for the things I've learned about myself.
2 comments:
Beautiful and very self aware. I know your relationship with him was not without its complications so it's wonderful to see how you've come to terms and found such peace. I mean this with all sincerity, I hope one day to be able to find the same place of peace with some of my more complicated relationships.
Darilyn, what a great post. Thank you so much for sharing it. I feel your testimony in your writing, and it's powerful.
I haven't had anyone close to me die. I'm not sure how I'll handle it when it happens.
So glad to hear that you were able to go and spend a couple of days with your mom. Hugs to you!
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