Pain

I feel empty inside.  I know that going to the temple will help me.  I know that reading my scriptures daily will help.  But I feel almost afraid of that.  What if it doesn't help?  What if i put forth more effort and I don't get the overall results I want or am looking for?  Even writing that i know that is ridiculous.

I'm going to start going to the temple once a week.

There, i wrote it.

So i will.

Chris and I got home from visiting Makenzie in Utah.  She's a mess.  I'm a mess just thinking about her.  It's hard enough dealing with all of my feelings and thoughts with Makenzie and helping her through this time in her life but then add on top of that hearing on an almost daily basis how wonderful everyone else's children are doing, those that graduated with Makenzie like Becca, Nate, Anders, Garrett, so on and so forth.  It's painful, more than I can even express.  It makes me not want to be around people.

And I'm tired.

I can't get enough of sleep when it comes.  But oftentimes I lay in bed thinking about Makenzie and what will happen with her.  Will she get her life together?  Will she stop lying to  herself and others?

And then what makes me the saddest?  Having two out of three daughters that don't appreciate what I do for them and treat me with disdain. It hurts, really badly.  I hope so much that it will be better some day.  Talking with Auntie Pat gives me hope that it will.  But will it?  Every individual is so different.