I need....I want....

I need to take a shower
I need to do something productive
I need to wrap presents
I need to figure out what's for dinner tonight
I need to clean my house
I need to read my scriptures
I need to do genealogy
I need to go to the temple
I need to do laundry

I just want to lay in bed......

It sounds like I'm depressed but I don't think so.  I'm in processing mode.  I've had a spiritual emotional growth spurt the past few days and it's left me with a lot to process.  And bed seems like the best place to process my thoughts.

This is what I know for sure:  God loves me.

The Horrors of An Old Journal

Tonight I read through a few entries in a journal from the late 80s to early 90s. Quite frankly I'm embarrassed. Who is that person? A sister in our ward gave her journals to her 12 year old daughter to enter into the computer. I'd never let my girls read them. They will read them when I'm dead. That's it. Seriously...it's awful. It was so disturbing that I'm left with a feeling of what in the heck has my life been about? I need to think on this for awhile. 

Peace out. 

It's about Baby Steps

The sun broke through the clouds today. It's amazing what that little but of sun can do for me. Work ended quickly today do I took Waverly on a walk. 

I've been working really hard at keeping my left foot straight as I take each step. And I noticed today it didn't feel as difficult as it once was. Baby steps I tell ya'!  But then I tried jogging. Uh....hilarious. I KNOW I looked ridiculous. I felt ridiculous. That needs some more work. Baby steps, right?

Halloween 2014

It was strange to not have any of our kids go trick or treating this year. We've reached a new stage in our lives. But a great stage that includes handfuls of teenagers at our house watching old horror films from the 1960s. Our evening started with our traditional dinner of a veggie skeleton, mummy dogs and spiced apple cider. Then Emma got ready for a party at a friends house where she went as a pig in a blanket and Heidi, Eliza, Ally, Jordan and Juliette watched "What Happened To Baby Jane?" And "House of Usher"  the movies were fantastic. We watched "Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte" last weekend. That was my favorite of the three. Bette Davis is such a talented actress. I had never watched anything with her before. 

It was a great Halloween. Makenzie sent us pictures of her costume. She was a porcelain doll and her makeup was anazing. 

The Definition of Family

I've realized over the past 20 plus years that the definition of "family" is not the same for all humans. And unfortunately I tend to get my feelings hurt by those that have a different definition than mine. It's pretty dumb that I let it get to me...but it does. 

For me family is not just your spouse and children but all those that you are related to and those that come into the family through marriage. They are relationships not to be taken for granted or lightly. You should be there for one another, support one another and let those feelings of love be known through your words and actions. 

Which is why for me it is hurtful to have family members come into town and not call or make an effort to see you. It's like they are saying they don't have time for you, you aren't important in their life. For a very long time I lived life by my definition. And then I found it was too much being the one that was reaching out all the time just to not have that love returned. We have all had that one friend who did all the taking while we were doing the giving. It gets old. Tiresome. You feel let down and eventually that friendship wanes away. 

Unfortunately I've seen that happen with family members. Where there used to be close ties because I was trying so hard to hold it together there is now close to nothing because I stopped. It was very one-sided. And was it worth it to stop trying? For me it was. For my children? I'm not sure. My children don't even know these family members any longer. 

There are others though that my children do know. That I'm getting tired of them not putting forth any effort to spend time with us. We always travel to them. Last summer we had family that came to stay for two months nearby and never came to visit us. We were of course welcome to travel to see them but despite our invitations they did not have time to come see us at our home or even meet us somewhere in town. 

We even live in the same town as the major airport. Family members fly in and out through it. But there is never a phone call to say, "hey, can you meet for lunch" " I'll be in town, can we get together?" Yet when I go to other cities where there is family I try to visit all my family that I can. That's the catch, huh? It's my definition of what family is compared to others'. 

And it's not the same. 

One thing is for sure though. I can love my immediate family and give 100% of my love to those extended family that want it. I have a lot to offer. 

How my past trials strengthened my relationship with Jesus Christ.

When Chris lost his job at IBM we went through a period of 2 1/2 years where he did not have a steady job with income enough to support us.  It was a difficult time for me with three young children.  Going to work didn't seem like the right thing to do.  We didn't have family around to watch the girls and thus would end up paying more for childcare than the income I would be able to provide.  I did do some substitute teaching which helped but there was a constant struggle to make ends meet.  We got into a lot of debt during this period of time.  It was a hard time for our family and on me personally.  I remember pleading with my Father in Heaven to help Chris find a job, I reached a point where I felt like I could not bear it a single day more.  And you know what?  The burden wasn't lifted.  It would be another 18 months before he would get a steady job.  And what did I learn from that?  I learned that the heartfelt prayers I gave during that period of time made me stronger.  I learned that the Holy Ghost does attend to us when we keep his commandments.  I learned that the more I prayed and studied the word of the Lord, the more I knew Him.  And those are blessings I am very grateful for.  Now when I look back on that time I remember a Darilyn that was strong.  More strong than I probably am now.  One thing the Lord taught me when I was going through that time in my life is that it was for a reason.  I am able to have compassion and empathy for others that are going through financial difficulties. I'm glad that I can offer that to others.  God is good.  He really is.

My a testimony of Jesus Christ

I'm reading a book about becoming closer to the Savior in 21 days. 

I gave this book to Makenzie a few years ago and at the time warned a copy for myself as well but didn't have the money for 2. I just got a version for my ipad. I still wish I had the actual book but this was a lot less expensive. The book is "21 Days Closer To Christ" by Emily Freeman. 

I am encouraged to keep a journal of my experiences while doing this. I've always thought of this blog as my journal so I will record my thoughts and feelings here. 

Today I would like to share my testimony of Jesus Christ. 

I know He lives. I know He is a true and living being who came to this earth to gain a body, be baptized, teach and then atone for all the sins and pains of this mortal existence. I know this is true because I know our Heavenly Father loves us. He loves me. And wants me to live with him again someday. But no unclean thing can live in the presence of God. That makes sense. So if we, being imperfect commit sin. We need a way to become clean to return to Him. That is why I know that Jesus Christ is real. Because our Heavenly Father would DEFINITELY provide a way for us. 

Recently I've been incredibly sad because I have a child that feels unloved, angry and resentful towards me. It breaks my heart. As I've contemplated my responsibility in her decisions I came to this conclusion one day:  The atonement of Jesus Christ applies to me in this situation. Wow! What comfort and peace that gave me. I may make mistakes as a parent. I'm not perfect. No one is. But Jesus Christ makes up the difference for me. That time he suffered in Gethsemane was for me. Through His complete atonement I am made free from the guilt I would have from being an imperfect parent. We did/do our best to raise our children. And our best is what our Father in Heaven asks of us. 

I am grateful for my savior, Jesus Christ.