Day 9: 21 days closer to Christ

We can grow closer to our Savior by following the words of our prophet. He has the keys. The invitation for this day is to FOLLOW. Follow our prophet. I have been reading president uchtdorfs talk, "Lord, is it I?"  It's a good message about becoming "good" as a good friend of mine said. By asking myself this question I am focusing more on my shortcomings and not others. I certainly have a lot of work in this area. But by putting up sticky notes in my house with this question on it I will be reminded to look inward. 

Follow the prophet. 

Christmas

It's exactly one week until Christmas.  I've been enjoying this Christmas season a lot.  It hasn't been stressful which is surprising considering that Chris had surgery, my mom is still recovering and the girls still have a lot of stuff going on.  But I've felt a lot of peace this year.  It's been nice to come home after I drop the girls off at school, settle onto the couch with my tea and the lights from the tree and watch a little CNN.  After about a half hour of the day's news I go back to my desk to get started on the day's files.  And even though I'm stuck at my desk for the rest of the morning and afternoon I am almost always done by 2:30 when I need to pick up the girls.  And that leaves the rest of the afternoon to get dinner prepared, talk with the girls, spend some time with Makenzie and Chris.  I did about 80% of my Christmas shopping online and so I havent had too many errands to run.  My home is decorated for Christmas but I didn't go overboard this year. When I ran out of horizontal space to put things I quit.  The Christmas lights didn't make it onto the house before Chris had his surgery.  The day he was planning on doing it he helped with a service project at church cutting firewood for families that need it.  I don't mind at all that it didnt get done.  What's more important anyway, some lights that profess your Christmas spirit or the real spirit of Christmas which is helping God's children?  Life has felt chill around here.  It's been peaceful.

Happiness is a warm blanket

You know that feeling you get when you wake up in the middle of the night and your blankets have come off you?  You feel cold and unsettled and of course you reach for those blankets to cover yourself back up.

That's how I feel.

I've felt the warmth if even for a small moment.

And I know it's there, it will always be there.

But for that moment in time when you don't have it....
it's cold.

Warmth...I love the warmth!

I need....I want....

I need to take a shower
I need to do something productive
I need to wrap presents
I need to figure out what's for dinner tonight
I need to clean my house
I need to read my scriptures
I need to do genealogy
I need to go to the temple
I need to do laundry

I just want to lay in bed......

It sounds like I'm depressed but I don't think so.  I'm in processing mode.  I've had a spiritual emotional growth spurt the past few days and it's left me with a lot to process.  And bed seems like the best place to process my thoughts.

This is what I know for sure:  God loves me.

The Horrors of An Old Journal

Tonight I read through a few entries in a journal from the late 80s to early 90s. Quite frankly I'm embarrassed. Who is that person? A sister in our ward gave her journals to her 12 year old daughter to enter into the computer. I'd never let my girls read them. They will read them when I'm dead. That's it. Seriously...it's awful. It was so disturbing that I'm left with a feeling of what in the heck has my life been about? I need to think on this for awhile. 

Peace out. 

It's about Baby Steps

The sun broke through the clouds today. It's amazing what that little but of sun can do for me. Work ended quickly today do I took Waverly on a walk. 

I've been working really hard at keeping my left foot straight as I take each step. And I noticed today it didn't feel as difficult as it once was. Baby steps I tell ya'!  But then I tried jogging. Uh....hilarious. I KNOW I looked ridiculous. I felt ridiculous. That needs some more work. Baby steps, right?

Halloween 2014

It was strange to not have any of our kids go trick or treating this year. We've reached a new stage in our lives. But a great stage that includes handfuls of teenagers at our house watching old horror films from the 1960s. Our evening started with our traditional dinner of a veggie skeleton, mummy dogs and spiced apple cider. Then Emma got ready for a party at a friends house where she went as a pig in a blanket and Heidi, Eliza, Ally, Jordan and Juliette watched "What Happened To Baby Jane?" And "House of Usher"  the movies were fantastic. We watched "Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte" last weekend. That was my favorite of the three. Bette Davis is such a talented actress. I had never watched anything with her before. 

It was a great Halloween. Makenzie sent us pictures of her costume. She was a porcelain doll and her makeup was anazing. 

The Definition of Family

I've realized over the past 20 plus years that the definition of "family" is not the same for all humans. And unfortunately I tend to get my feelings hurt by those that have a different definition than mine. It's pretty dumb that I let it get to me...but it does. 

For me family is not just your spouse and children but all those that you are related to and those that come into the family through marriage. They are relationships not to be taken for granted or lightly. You should be there for one another, support one another and let those feelings of love be known through your words and actions. 

Which is why for me it is hurtful to have family members come into town and not call or make an effort to see you. It's like they are saying they don't have time for you, you aren't important in their life. For a very long time I lived life by my definition. And then I found it was too much being the one that was reaching out all the time just to not have that love returned. We have all had that one friend who did all the taking while we were doing the giving. It gets old. Tiresome. You feel let down and eventually that friendship wanes away. 

Unfortunately I've seen that happen with family members. Where there used to be close ties because I was trying so hard to hold it together there is now close to nothing because I stopped. It was very one-sided. And was it worth it to stop trying? For me it was. For my children? I'm not sure. My children don't even know these family members any longer. 

There are others though that my children do know. That I'm getting tired of them not putting forth any effort to spend time with us. We always travel to them. Last summer we had family that came to stay for two months nearby and never came to visit us. We were of course welcome to travel to see them but despite our invitations they did not have time to come see us at our home or even meet us somewhere in town. 

We even live in the same town as the major airport. Family members fly in and out through it. But there is never a phone call to say, "hey, can you meet for lunch" " I'll be in town, can we get together?" Yet when I go to other cities where there is family I try to visit all my family that I can. That's the catch, huh? It's my definition of what family is compared to others'. 

And it's not the same. 

One thing is for sure though. I can love my immediate family and give 100% of my love to those extended family that want it. I have a lot to offer. 

How my past trials strengthened my relationship with Jesus Christ.

When Chris lost his job at IBM we went through a period of 2 1/2 years where he did not have a steady job with income enough to support us.  It was a difficult time for me with three young children.  Going to work didn't seem like the right thing to do.  We didn't have family around to watch the girls and thus would end up paying more for childcare than the income I would be able to provide.  I did do some substitute teaching which helped but there was a constant struggle to make ends meet.  We got into a lot of debt during this period of time.  It was a hard time for our family and on me personally.  I remember pleading with my Father in Heaven to help Chris find a job, I reached a point where I felt like I could not bear it a single day more.  And you know what?  The burden wasn't lifted.  It would be another 18 months before he would get a steady job.  And what did I learn from that?  I learned that the heartfelt prayers I gave during that period of time made me stronger.  I learned that the Holy Ghost does attend to us when we keep his commandments.  I learned that the more I prayed and studied the word of the Lord, the more I knew Him.  And those are blessings I am very grateful for.  Now when I look back on that time I remember a Darilyn that was strong.  More strong than I probably am now.  One thing the Lord taught me when I was going through that time in my life is that it was for a reason.  I am able to have compassion and empathy for others that are going through financial difficulties. I'm glad that I can offer that to others.  God is good.  He really is.

My a testimony of Jesus Christ

I'm reading a book about becoming closer to the Savior in 21 days. 

I gave this book to Makenzie a few years ago and at the time warned a copy for myself as well but didn't have the money for 2. I just got a version for my ipad. I still wish I had the actual book but this was a lot less expensive. The book is "21 Days Closer To Christ" by Emily Freeman. 

I am encouraged to keep a journal of my experiences while doing this. I've always thought of this blog as my journal so I will record my thoughts and feelings here. 

Today I would like to share my testimony of Jesus Christ. 

I know He lives. I know He is a true and living being who came to this earth to gain a body, be baptized, teach and then atone for all the sins and pains of this mortal existence. I know this is true because I know our Heavenly Father loves us. He loves me. And wants me to live with him again someday. But no unclean thing can live in the presence of God. That makes sense. So if we, being imperfect commit sin. We need a way to become clean to return to Him. That is why I know that Jesus Christ is real. Because our Heavenly Father would DEFINITELY provide a way for us. 

Recently I've been incredibly sad because I have a child that feels unloved, angry and resentful towards me. It breaks my heart. As I've contemplated my responsibility in her decisions I came to this conclusion one day:  The atonement of Jesus Christ applies to me in this situation. Wow! What comfort and peace that gave me. I may make mistakes as a parent. I'm not perfect. No one is. But Jesus Christ makes up the difference for me. That time he suffered in Gethsemane was for me. Through His complete atonement I am made free from the guilt I would have from being an imperfect parent. We did/do our best to raise our children. And our best is what our Father in Heaven asks of us. 

I am grateful for my savior, Jesus Christ. 

Why I Write

2 Nephi 25:21-26

21 

Wherefore, for this cause hath the Lord God promised unto me that these things which I write shall be kept and preserved, and handed down unto my seed, from generation to generation, that the promise may be fulfilled unto Joseph, that his seed should never perish as long as the earth should stand.

22 

Wherefore, these things shall go from generation to generation as long as the earth shall stand; and they shall go according to the will and pleasure of God; and the nations who shall possess them shall be judged of them according to the words which are written.

23 

For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.

24 

And, notwithstanding we believe in Christ, we keep the law of Moses, and look forward with steadfastness unto Christ, until the law shall be fulfilled.

25 

For, for this end was the law given; wherefore the law hath become dead unto us, and we are made alive in Christ because of our faith; yet we keep the law because of the commandments.

26 

And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.

I Did It

When Chris and I discussed what to do for our 20th wedding anniversary I knew I wanted two things: to go somewhere warm and to BE ACTIVE. I wanted to celebrate having lost 80 lbs. I wanted to do and try things I'd never done before. And although I love a good lazy day at the beach I wanted the focus of this trip to be more about a celebration of the gift God has given me, a healthy body. 

We had heard of the Kalalau trail from a friend of ours. She has hiked it several times and said that if we were ever in Hawaii we should do it. Since Hawaii is on my list of 50 Things I Want To Do In My Life....we thought it sounded like a good idea. It did meet my two requirements after all. 

Then the trip didn't happen in 2013. It was becoming more and more apparent that I needed to have foot surgery on my left foot in order to do this hike. I was in constant pain and I knew that I would not be able to hike that far in my current condition. So in April of this year I underwent reconstructive surgery for my tarsal coalition. The recovery was long. And even 2 weeks before our scheduled hike I was doubting my ability to do it. 

But we left on September 12th to fly to Kauai. And on the 14th we began what would become the most grueling, difficult and proudest physical accomplishment in my life. 

I can say I hiked the Kalalau Trail. 

I survived. 

There were no medals at the end nor people chanting my name. But in my head I knew that 3 years ago, doing this hike would have been out of the question. I've accomplished so much more than completing a difficult trail. I've completed a journey of taking care of the body Heavenly Father has given me. 80 lbs lighter, a corrected foot and a cardiovascular system that is in good working condition.  

Heidi-First Day of High School

Sam, I love you and always will. March 7th, 2005 - August 27th, 2014

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You were the first pet I really "wanted."  Sure, there have been cats that have come and gone but you, you were special.  I chose you.  I chose you over a gorgeous Sun Conure and tantalizing blue quaker parrot.  You were special though, I could tell.  So I chose you.  That was March of 2005, nine years ago.  Your emerald green color with a peek of blue on your tail feathers were amazing.  You loved me.  You loved each and every one of us in this family.  Even Heidi you pretended to not like just so you could have pecking order over her. But when she was sick you crooned and cried with her.  Speaking of crooners, that was your favorite music.  The swingers and standards of the 40s.  You would sing along and bob up and down.

I hand-fed you.  You were just hatched and so I would go into the store every day to feed you until you were old enough for me to take home and feed.  We bonded then and from then on I was your momma bird.  But to be completely honest, you loved Emma most.  She would come home every day from school and just spend 20 minutes preening your pin feathers.  You would puff up so big.  You loved that.

When we first got you we didn't know if you were a boy or a girl so we named you Sam.  When you were about 3 years-old we had a DNA test done that told us you were a boy.  Finally!!! Another boy in the May family.  So you were officially Sam and not Samantha!

You weren't just loved by your immediate family though.  You loved your grandma Marilyn and Grandma Ladda and Nanna Donna.  The grandpas not so much except for Papa Ben.  He had a way with you and I'm sure right now you are sitting on his shoulder looking down at us.

I loved it most when you would sit on my shoulder and preen me.  Carefully choosing pieces of my hair to clean off.  Who knows what you were cleaning off, I probably don't want to know.  But it was your way of caring for me.  You even bit off a couple of my moles.  It hurt like heck but I know you were just trying to get that speck of dirt off of me.

We don't know how you died.  I'm so sorry if it was something we did unknowingly.  Watching you die is one of the hardest things I've had to watch. I was sitting in the vet's office with you in a small carrier on my lap.  I heard you rustle around. I looked, and your head was down.  I knew.  I still called for someone to rush you back.  They did but you were already gone.

I'm so sorry, Sam.  You should have had so many more years on this earth.  So many more years as our birdie.  So many more years to torment Heidi.  So many more years to love on all of us.  But instead you left this earth at a young age.  I know you're flying.  And you're happy.

And that's enough for now.

Summer smoothie

My awesome friend, Amanda, hooked me up with my new Blendtec blender. So it's been smoothie time around here. 

Today I made this blend of strawberries, blueberries, vanilla protien powder, banana and ice. I love the color the blueberries give to it. 

Cheer, y'all!!!!

Taking Life By The Horns

A couple weeks ago I ran into one of the sister missionaries that used to serve in our ward. She informed me that she only had two months left. That means that she's been out for 16 mos. 

Crazy. 

I thought to myself, "what have I done with my life the past 16 mos?"

Not much. Sadly. 

Time flies, doesn't it?

I've had some goals. But haven't accomplished any. *sigh*

But I made a new one on Sunday. It's to do family scripture study and prayer each night. 

So far so good. 

We need this. My girls need this. They are craving more gospel study and it's up to us as their parents to provide that. 

Timbers!!!!!

It's been awhile

I can't believe how long it's been. Recording my history is important so I'm going to be better about doing it. I see, someday, my grandchildren and great grandchildren reading this. I wish I had something of this type from my ancestors. It would be a treasure. So that's how I need to see blogging. Creating treasures. 

I'm currently recovering from foot surgery. I have a tarsal coalition and I had surgery to eleviate the pain. I'm in a hard cast. That is green. It's been really hard. I've fallen twice on my crutches. I can't cook or make myself something to eat. I'm disabled. And it's been way tougher than I thought. But the end result will be so amazing. I can't wait to be able to go on long walks or hikes. To run without pain. 

Last night we found out that Heidi made JV cheer for next year. I'm so proud of her. She has worked so hard. And loves it so much. I did cheer in high school. It's the first time one of our girls has "followed in my footsteps" so to speak. I was never an athlete like Emma. Nor a dancer and writer like Makenzie. But I did cheer. And I loved it and have great memories. Heidi is way better NOW than I was as a senior. 

One of those nights!

It's been one of those nights. Car won't start. Can't get my kids home. Then the ride I find for Heidi forgets. Try to call that person, they don't answer their phone. Get stuck at the gas station because my car won't start. 

I'm sure glad most days aren't like this!!!!

Nap Time

The festivities in this house are just too much for some people! 

Birthday Eve

'Twas the night before my birthday I was so happy to crawl in bed! 

I got 2 birthday cards today and a birthday gift. My favorite gift of course is my plane ticket to AZ. I'm so excited to see Merilee. Last Saturday I had a birthday party for myself. Healthy snacks were on the menu and great friends to play games with. We played Alhambra and I won! Woohoo woohoo!  We also played this crazy game I love called Bubble Talk. It's hilarious. 

Tomorrow I'm going to lunch with friends. And we are having the Elders over for brunch. It's Elder Batemans birthday tomorrow as well. 

New Resolution!

More music in my life!

I bought today:

Mindy Gledhill

Darius Rucker 

Kenny Chesney

Sheryl Crow