Yesterday I had some time to think during a 30 minute drive to pick up my oldest daughter and some friends of hers from EFY. I was thinking about how our relationship has changed over the past six months. She used to tell me that she didn't mind being around me and she never showed that embarrasment of being around me like my younger two have. I thought we had a pretty great relationship, i was really happy that I had made it through some core teenage years and I thought we were in the home stretch before sending her off to college. She turns 17 in two days and I couldn't have been more wrong. I found out a few months ago that she thought her dad and I hated her, she thought we were mean and she wished she could die. Wow, talk about shocker, because this was all news to me. And like any parent in that situation, I was left wondering, with my jaw dropped open, "what has happened?"
When my children were toddlers I envisioned them getting older and me being the cool mom on the block. The home where they knew they could come for freshly baked cookies and a movie night on weekends. They would say to my children, "wow, your mom is so nice."
That hasn't happened.
I don't like to bake.
We learned early on that our middle daughter liked to tell her friends how mean her parents were. A lot of it being made up in her head. Wow, the stories that girl could tell. And then she wondered why her friend's parents would not let them come over to our home. That really backfired on her and she learned a valuable lesson. I'm not sure why two of our daughters feel a need to make us into monsters to their friends. Are they looking for reassurance, understanding, love, acceptance? If the answer is yes to any of those it makes me sad. I guess I envisioned a great relationship with my daughters. And honestly, since i'm speaking honestly, I am very sad that I don't have the relationship that I see my friends have with their daughters.
And this is what I don't get: We don't have any stricter rules than any other Mormon family I know. Some are more lenient in some areas than us and we may be stricter in others, but we all have rules. The difference is that for some reason those teenage friends of my daughters still speak highly of their parents and express their love for them and appreciation. Sure they may have their moments of disagreement but there is still love and respect there. Yet I am wished to disappear and not be a part of her life.
I've never been someone who feels that they need to be best friends with my kids but I do want to talk with them and know what is going on in their lives. I thought I had that with our oldest but found I was wrong.
If I had known how painful it could be I'm not sure I would have signed up for this gig.
7 comments:
So hard. I have to wonder who you are hearing this from? In the end, and I'm sure you know this, relationships change with age. I'm closer to mom now than I have ever been.
HAng in there it does get better.They just have a need to distance themselves and sprout there wings and fly. But sometimes the way some kids do it is painful. For them as will as the parents. That is part of growing up for all of us. You are an awesome mom!! Never forget that even when you are in the trenches!! Just chant it "I'm an awesome mom "over and over.
The only thing I could come up with is, Darilyn needs to talk to my mom about this. ha ha, I guess she has just been through everything you could imagine so she always has the answer. There were times, when I was a teenager that I was less than happy to have to do things with my parents, but overall I respected and loved them and thought they were great. Now that I am in YW's with an adult perspective it is easy to see how silly (and I use the term silly to be nice) teenage girls can be, especially towards their mothers. For some unfortunate reason it is easy to be the meanest to those we love the most. At some point in your daughters lives they will realize how much they need their mom
Don't feel so bad. It's part of being a teenager.
I hear ya -- and my kids aren't your kids ages yet. I worry what it will be like when they are.
What you describe is similar to the way I was with my mom when I was a teenager. We've done a complete 180 since then and I now consider her one of my best friends. She is the one that I talk to the most.
The teen years are hard, but be consistent and they will look back and realize that you were always there. They will see that you were doing your best.
Love you!
Oh, Darilyn. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are a wonderful Mom who wants whats best for her kids. And we ALL have rough times with our kids. Believe me. It's not always roses. I think sometimes when kids speak rudely about their parents it's because they like the sympathy they get from their friends and they are not thinking that it will end up biting them in the rump...or get back to the source. My best advice is to not back down on your rules and keep speaking to your kiddos open and honestly with love and concern. We are to lead and guide, but they must learn for themselves. Keep your chin up. You are loved and I KNOW your girls love you and need you. Stay strong Momma!
I'm not a mother so I can't say that I understand your situation, but from my view... you're a mother that I would have loved to have growing up. The time and attention you give to your family is amazing. I love the how your family is always on fun little adventures and learning new things. I remember not liking my father at that age... not because he was mean, but because having a parent around just wasn't cool (and we both know he wasn't around very often).
I would advise you to be cautious with where you're hearing this information, and if it is hurting you this much- I really don't think it would be wrong to plan a little one on one time to discuss your feeling with your daughter. If I had to guess, she probably said something out of frustration one day and over time it was turned into something that it wasn't.
You're a wonderful mother, Darilyn. Never doubt this.
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