Pain

I feel empty inside.  I know that going to the temple will help me.  I know that reading my scriptures daily will help.  But I feel almost afraid of that.  What if it doesn't help?  What if i put forth more effort and I don't get the overall results I want or am looking for?  Even writing that i know that is ridiculous.

I'm going to start going to the temple once a week.

There, i wrote it.

So i will.

Chris and I got home from visiting Makenzie in Utah.  She's a mess.  I'm a mess just thinking about her.  It's hard enough dealing with all of my feelings and thoughts with Makenzie and helping her through this time in her life but then add on top of that hearing on an almost daily basis how wonderful everyone else's children are doing, those that graduated with Makenzie like Becca, Nate, Anders, Garrett, so on and so forth.  It's painful, more than I can even express.  It makes me not want to be around people.

And I'm tired.

I can't get enough of sleep when it comes.  But oftentimes I lay in bed thinking about Makenzie and what will happen with her.  Will she get her life together?  Will she stop lying to  herself and others?

And then what makes me the saddest?  Having two out of three daughters that don't appreciate what I do for them and treat me with disdain. It hurts, really badly.  I hope so much that it will be better some day.  Talking with Auntie Pat gives me hope that it will.  But will it?  Every individual is so different.

Doors

I can't help but think about how strange it feels to walk in this door. It's been so long since I've been here. I open the door and as I enter the hallway I hear it. Irish dance music. What was once a huge part of my daughters life has now taken a back burner. And it's hard for me. I support her and feel she is choosing great things. It's still hard. I miss her constant dancing in our house and in the aisles of the grocery store. I miss the dance floor that used to cover our living room floor. I miss my Irish dance family. 

Emma used to have a dream of competing at worlds. It became my dream too, to accompany her on that trip.  Now I get to look back on the Oireachtas and think of the stress, lack of sleep and good times we had and be so grateful she had that opportunity. Because I don't know if she'll go again.  

But where one door closes another opens so I look ahead with anticipation at the new things she is delving into. 

I Caved

Today is one of those days where you just feel like crying.  You know those days.  It can be over the simplest thing, something dumb even.  But it happens and you feel the tears welling in your eyes and you think, seriously?

For me it's the accumulation of a lot of difficult stuff going on with my eldest plus too much work at the moment that i'm behind in, not realizing my best friend from Germany was flying in on Tuesday instead of Wednesday and then to top it all off, Emma's Irish dance teacher not being very kind.  It's the last thing on the list that tipped me off today.  I was sucking it in pretty well, holding it together, but then the text from her teacher came and I lost it.  Started crying.  I hate that.

What do you do when you feel like life is caving in?

I am looking forward to my class reunion this weekend.  Not necessarily to see everyone.  The people I want to see I see anyway.  But it will be a blast to see all my besties from HS in one place.  I sure love these people and i'm so glad for the roots that I have of growing up in a small coastal town.  No better place.  Seriously.

So here is to Quinn, Tonya, Michelle and Butch and my sister Krista that will make my life a wee bit better this weekend.  I can't wait to see you all!

Life is a Four-Letter Word

Life can certainly be a four-letter word. 

It can be Love. It can be Hard. It can be something else altogether. 

But what I consider it to be most of all is a Gift. 

The Hard times, the Good times filled with Love and the times full of ****. It's all a Gift. 

We cannot know the Sweet without knowing the Sour. We wouldn't be able to appreciate those Good times. 

I know this to be true. 

Quite recently I have felt like crawling in my bed and tuning everything out. But then I turn around and see how Sweet parts of my life are. So I keep on going. 

So today I will look at the Good. There is going to be a bit of Yuck in there too but I won't let it fester in my head. Only the Good will get to stay. 

First Day Of School 2013-14

It's been awhile since I only had two to get ready for school. Since 2004 to be exact. It definitely feels different without Makenzie here. But the morning went smoothly and the girls are off to school. I'm looking forward to Emma having release time seminary. And I'm excited about the new MAPS program at Mountain View. It should be a good year. 

Heidi and Jordan 8th grade

Santa Monica Pier

I love seaside boardwalks where you feel the wind on your face and smell the salt of the ocean.  It has a way of erasing the cares of the day and putting a smile on your face. 

Since we came to California for a funeral it was just what we needed. We loaded up in our rental and headed west to the Santa Monica Pier. 

I think I love these types of places because I'm not a huge fan of sand. I don't like how it gets EVERYWHERE. And I don't particularly like how it feels. The exception to this last part would be Caribbean sand. But at the boardwalk you can enjoy the ocean without walking on the sand. Near my home we have a beac town called Seaside that has one. I love it for its boardwalk, Tilt-a-Whirl, candy store and oceanview hotels. 

I've also been to the Santa Cruz boardwalk. And now I've been to Santa Monica. Santa Cruz definitely ranks #1. It's pretty fantastic. They have a huge assortment of rides, tons of great food and just watching the surfers there can take up the whole day. 

Santa Monica had its own highlights as well though. I loved Zoltar from the movie "Big".  

The views from the Ferris wheel were incredible. 

And the view of the beach with the many brightly colored umbrellas just made me happy to see. 

We had a great day and the beach accomplished its goal: taking our cares away. 

Back On The Wagon

It's back to liquids for me.  I stepped on the scale this morning after having returned from the "dropping off the daughter at college" tour or in my case, the "eating my way through Utah County" tour, and I have officially gained 8 pounds since my lowest weight last fall.  Not good.  Not good at all.  So I'm going to go back to all liquids for a couple weeks.  Which is hard, that's no lie.  But I did it once before and I'll do it again.  It's all about getting that sugar craving out of my system again.  Ah....why do we have sugar on this planet?  It kills me. I surely love it. Oh, and the diet coke. I need to stop drinking that too.

Wish me luck, peeps.